Meet Kenny Keller

To start off I am a small town country guy. I grew up west of Kalispell where I was somewhat secluded from the real world as far as diversity goes. I was left to wander the property and find joy in the forest around my house. That’s where I found nature to be my medication.

Going into the photo shoot I was extremely nervous. I have always had an interest in male modeling but never felt that I was going to be good enough to do so. I always looked at the models in magazines and was infatuated with their styles, body postures and their physique. Although coming from Kila that was a dream far from where I live. Would being gay just add fire to the whole situation if I decided to move away to follow a dream?  So I kept the thought in my head “Would I ever get the chance to be one of those guys in a magazine?” Not likely.

About 20 minutes into the shoot I felt that as if I was having one of my dreams come true. I felt very comfortable and tuned into the whole shoot. I just knew the entire time that this is going to a good cause “Awareness.” The whole time I could feel myself getting more comfortable with my body and not being ashamed of who I am.

Afterwards I am no longer embarrassed of where I come from or what others think of me. I have had self-discovery with old and new friends that have definitely opened my eyes that I’m not alone. I’m more active and social. I wouldn’t be where I am today without  the help of a huge support group.

So what have I learned from this whole experience? I’ve learned that I am a unique individual who is loved by family, friends, nieces and nephews. To quote the amazing Lady Gaga “I was born this way.”  I am Kenneth Keller and I am a small town country guy who just happens to be gay, and PROUD.

Meet DJ Wade and Colton

DJ

I would never have done this shoot alone.  By myself, I would have been too self-critical to ever step behind the camera, but my interactions with Colton and Wade during the shoot made me feel sexy and beautiful  Don’t get me wrong, I was still critical of how I looked, but for the most part, instead of seeing my stretch marks, belly, and yes, the fuzz, I saw myself as part of a whole, one-third of something that I still can’t describe but couldn’t be happier with.  Rather than standing in front of the camera and focusing on everything that was “wrong”, I just relaxed and enjoyed spending time with both of my partners.  The result was fantastic!  I think our shoot captures perfectly my feelings about Colton and Wade, and I love that our shoot enables us to share with others the idea that happiness can be found outside the lines of what society deems “normal”.  Our relationship isn’t always easy, but for the most part we are always at ease, able to be ourselves around each other without fear of being judged or criticized.

Wade

It is interesting to look back on my past and speculate which experiences urged me forward in a direction, and which experiences caused me to make a conscience effort to act differently.   Growing up with a twin sister brought about my appreciation for companionship but also taught me to value a sense independence, hearing hateful comments about people due to race or sexuality has made me strive to be more accepting, and being told specifically how to live has made me try to be more open-minded towards opportunities that present themselves.  Polyamory is not something I had ever considered before meeting Colton and DJ.  Like every relationship, we began as friends and it turned into something more; something that seemed foolish to pass up just because it is out of the 'norm'.  When explaining our relationship to other people, I always get questions about jealousy but I believe that our relationship models an idea that love is something that should be shared among everybody, and if everybody is loved and knows it, jealousy cannot exist in the same way.

Colton

The photos that came from our shoot truly captured the diversity of our interacting personalities and emotions that occur in our relationship. Although we all had various levels of nervousness, they quickly eroded and the shoot became very natural. It was an exhilarating experience with a hell of a lot of laughter! Oftentimes, when others hear about the relationship I have with Wade and DJ, they remark “I could never do that”. I can’t imagine it any other way. I’ve never believed love was, or is, something that can be limited, and I was lucky enough to find two men who became open to such a relationship. Although we exist as a triad with three loving partners, we also function as three amazing couples with our own unique interactions and independent connections. Our relationship is the sum of its parts; the stronger we are as individual couples, the stronger our relationship is as a whole.

Meet Todd Bartle

The couch ... the soft, warm, leather couch was the perfect setting for this photo, because I think, in a lot of ways, the couch is a metaphor for many aspects of my personality ... aged, nurturing, welcoming, stable; a place, a person, that invites you in a surrounds you with warmth and love, and invites you to forget your troubles and, for a euphorious moment, just BE. 

 As I have grown more mature, I have discovered that there is more joy in taking care of the needs of others than tending to one's self interests.  For the first time in my life, this project has made me realize that I'm attractive. both inside and out.  Not only me, but men of all ages.  No matter what stage of life's journey we are on, we are all like snow flakes ... beautiful and unique.  When we're young, we carry our beauty on the outside, but as we age and mellow,  that beauty turns inward like a wonderful treasure waiting to be discovered. 

 Yes, I have a few laugh lines and crow's feet, but I would never want to cover them up.  They are an outward symbol, a badge of honor, that let's the world know I have lived well, laughed often, and loved much.

Meet Eric Hall

Going into this project, I really didn’t know what to think. Here I’m a short, stocky, native dude that grew up in a small town on a reservation; a humble guy that has a broad sense of humility. So when I was asked if I would model for the project, my immediate thought was: “Who wants to see pictures of that?”

You see, I spent most of my teen years and young adulthood hiding in oversized clothes.  I’d avoid looking in the mirror, because I didn’t like what was looking back at me.  And to compound that, I was so far in the closet that I might as well have been sitting on Judy Garlands shoe rack weeping into one of Patti Lupone’s evening gowns.  I’d slouch in the shadows, so people wouldn’t notice me as I wallowed in shame.  Shame not only for being gay, but shame as a result of thinking no one would ever find me in the least bit attractive.

I have never told my family this, nor my closest friends about how I felt, but I was on the verge of harming myself because of those feelings. 

I remember the day vividly where I seriously was considering ending it.  It was a frigid winter morning.  You know the type of frigid morning where you don’t want to do anything but stay in bed under all your blankets?  Except my bed was a couch and my blanket was a sleeping bag that I carried in my car.  I was homeless and was struggling to find a place I could call my own. All I could afford was food and gas to get me back and forth from school and work. All necessary possessions I had fit into a huge backpack that I would haul with me.  Needless to say, I was the epitome of the so called poor ass college student.

But that particular morning I had it.  The weight of my life started to wear on me and the omnipresence of sexuality and self-hatred started to compound the effects tenfold.

“Alright, look. If you do this, think of the grief that you’d cause.  Think of what it would do to your family.  To your friends,” I thought to myself. “Ok.  No. Deep breath. You can’t do this.  One step at a time.  Let’s get through school first, and we can go from there.”

And that was my first step.  My first step to accepting who I am: a gay, native, man. 

 Step by step, I worked on getting my life back under control.  Later that year, I graduated from college (Yay!  Now I’m a poor college graduate!  But that’s another story).  A shortly after that I came out to my close friends who, who I am glad to say, accepted me with tears in their eyes and love in their hearts. I found a place to live, I was using my education in my career, things started to look up.

All this was good, but I still had one more challenge.  My crippling sense of self.

 “Ok.  Now I’m out. Well, not completely out, but it’s a start.  But I still can’t look myself in the mirror.  Why is that such a problem?  How the hell do I even tackle this? Where do I even start?”

Little did I know, the answer was right in front of me.  I was talking with my brother and he had told me how he also felt self-conscious about his body and didn’t feel comfortable either. 

“Wait… What the?!?!?” 

This came to me as a surprise as I had always considered him to be the good looking one in our family.  He is lean, fit, masculine, and well, quite frankly, one handsome fella (The ladies are oh so lucky to have him.  Yes gentlemen, he is straight as they come).  So hearing this coming from him made me ponder, “Why does he think that? “

That’s when I had a profound epiphany of sorts. Everyone has body issues and it’s my own perception of my body that I need to overcome, not what everyone else’s thinks.  If someone doesn’t like it, then they are not the right person for me.  This is the only body I get in this lifetime, and I best rock it while I got it.  There was no specific person that I feared judgment or shame from.  I had finally met my biggest critic:  Myself.

Ultimately, this resulted in me coming out of the shadows little by little.  I started sitting up a little straighter.  When I would walk down the street, I found myself standing a little taller.

So, back to that question at the beginning. “Who wants to see that?”

This project gave me opportunity to challenge myself, to push the confines of my comfort zone. To expose myself and proudly answer it with another question: “Who WOULDN’T want to see that?”

Yes, I realize that this comes off as a little vain, and quite frankly, very narcissistic.  But there is one thing I have learned on my journey to getting here and it is that there is a fine line.  It’s a matter of walking the fine line with a dignity and a sense of humility. And as one of my favorite musicians so eloquently stated: “For me, music and life is all about style” - Miles Davis

UPDATE: Mentana Project Models

UPDATE: I am pleased to announce that we have EIGHT months out of the year completed! We have a few others who still need to get their photos taken, but we are nearing the completion of the first leg of our journey. WE WANT YOU TO BE A MODEL. There is still time and we won't stop at 12. We are hoping to wrap up our photoshoots by the end of August so that we can begin the layout, design, and production of the calendar. 

We have a variety of models, so now is your chance to be a voice to your community and more importantly to yourself. Step outside of your box, and meet guys from all across Montana. 

5k Milestone for MENtana Project!

We've had a lot of interest. How much interest you ask? We've had over 5,000 views in one month! Thank you for all of your support.

Interested in the Mentana Calendar Project? You too can be part of the project. We are continue to accept models. We've had some amazing photo shoots, some epic stories, press coverage, excitement, and bolstered confidence and self esteem through the project.  Share your story. Get involved and become a model for this sexy and sultry calendar that supports your community!

Sign up here

Meet Stopher Gehring

Water has always been a powerful symbol to me. I have fond memories of the ocean, the Seattle rains, and water is the element of Scorpio.  It represents emotion, depth, and change. In high school I had always been very body conscious. I would journal every day and in each entry I would include my weight.  For years I tracked my weight and struggled with a mild eating disorder.

As I grew older I learned the skills to overcoming my eating disorder.  I learned how to have a positive body image and how be critical of the media and all that they were telling me I needed to be. I put faith in the media’s portrayal of gay men—mimicking their fashions, styles, and most importantly their bodies. It was intoxicating to think that this industry didn’t care that I was gay. You could be gay and accepted, but you need to fit this standard. I never lived up to that standard.

 I always felt my body could be better. I could be bigger. I could be more sculpted. I should be hairless (I waxed to compensate). I should be tall. I should be stoic. I should be unfeeling and unscathed. I was none of these things and it felt empty.

Posing in front of the camera today I picked my element water, the element of which I am most comfortable in.  The shower was a safe space for me. It was my own personal baptism and confessional—no one to judge me, no one to be critical of my appearance. Terry asked me during the interview for the project what I had in mind and I told him that I had always felt comfortable in the water and would really like to do a shoot that involves my element.

I had brought my partner along to the photo shoot. It was an amazing experience getting to pose for my partner while Terry silently clicked away on his camera. 

It was strange at first having two men watch me shower (one being my partner, and the other Terry-- a friend prior to the project-- it still felt strange). I had never let anyone just watch me shower. This was the most vulnerable I had ever been. I had brought in an audience to watch me in my sanctuary and it was beautiful to share.

The most eye opening experience was sitting down with both my partner and my friend and looking at the raw photos. All the while I was posing for Terry and shamelessly flirting with my partner while they watched me shower I had no idea how I looked.  It was empowering to have my peers sharing and showing a beauty that I never get to see of myself.  I was surprised with many of the photos that Terry and my partner found to be attractive, beautiful, and interesting—something I would have never considered beautiful about myself was recognized by others and in doing so and experiencing that I found a beautiful piece of myself that I have been missing out on. I'm forever grateful for this experience. 

Local Press Coverage

UPDATE: Check out the local ABCFOXMONTANA news coverage of the Mentana Project! PRESS COVERAGE. We will continue posting models as Terry finishes with the raw photos. We are still accepting models. Register here if you are still interested and would like to be contacted about becoming a model. Also make a donation to keep the project in production. Any donation amount is greatly appreciated, even if it's just a dollar. Donate here. 

Meet William Matross

Size kept most people away.  While many are concerned about homophobia, I’ve never felt its sting. Instead, I’ve felt the heart crushing effects of obesophobia. We grow up in a culture where fast food and pre-prepared meals are cheaper than the healthy alternative, yet we shame people whose BMI puts them in the obese category. I was the typical fat kid, picked last for nearly any activity, invited to social events only as another body or out of some press from parents to make sure I was included. Once there, I was left to talk with the adults while the kids played. When I was with my “friends” I made fun of myself, cutting myself down to lessen the hurt when other people did it, which only invited them to try harder to hurt me.  

Unlike most of my peers, I was extremely young when puberty set in. I had a nice “treasure trail” by the time I was ten. My precocious body provided kids a new way to tease and new terms like man-boy were thrown at me with so much vile hatred that I feared going to places like the public pool. When I did go, I would wear my trunks there and kept a shirt on. I’d even went so far as to shave everything wispy strand off in order to fit what I felt was normal. I tried to keep everything smooth from my face to my toes, but eventually it was too difficult to upkeep and I eventually gave up.

My desperate attempts to fit in didn’t stop at keeping my body hair at bay. Not understanding anything about how metabolism works, I started eating less. Not in a healthy sense of cutting back my portions, but going whole days without food. I was happy if I could get a few days on a meal or two. I was certain that by denying myself food, the thing that I blamed for my size, I could get thin. And if I was thin then I deserved to be liked. I deserved to be loved. Unfortunately, when I starved myself, I damaged my already genetically poor metabolism. When starving didn’t work, I tried every fad diet my parents went on. Every time one failed, I treated myself like a failure. I hated my body and there were nights I would cry myself to sleep wishing I would die in my sleep and not waste any more space.

I spent so much of my life trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be, that somewhere along the line I forgot who I was. It has taken thirty-five years, but I am finally coming out of the biggest closet of my life—coming out as me. The last year has been filled with little coming outs, opening up about my past and the events that shaped who I am today and being comfortable in my own skin. I have felt enough hate in my life and I am done fueling the flames. This project has given me another way that I can be me, by removing the most mundane way to hide myself. We all wear masks, but sometimes we have to put the mask away and be proud of who we are.

I put on faces to hide from the pain

I put on faces to keep me sane

I put on masks

For anyone who asks

the Truth

Rediscover: Eric Lawrence

I am a work in progress. I am always growing and changing with the trials I've faced, people I've met, and the places I've been, shaping me into the man I am today.

I was born in Indiana and moved to Montana when I was very young. I moved around a lot so investing in long term friendships was virtually impossible. I was always the good kid, did what I was told, and followed the rules most of my life. I've always put the needs of others before my own because I didn't want to burden others with my problems so I bottled them up and put them out of sight.

I moved away from Montana to pursue a better career in the Commercial Airline industry, to travel around to states I’ve never been, and to experience life outside of the shelter of Montana.  During my travels the floodgates burst wide open and I lost all self-control. There were no boundaries, my inhibition was lost, and judgment was "blurred".  I realized towards the end of that year I needed help and moved back to Montana.

Major life events during 2013/2014

**December 5 - Parents Divorced

  Dec 31 - Breakup - His reason being not ready for commitment.

  Feb 6 - He then began to date a friend of mine, lowering my self-worth.

  Mar 7- Tested positive for HIV

**March 13 - Confirmed diagnosis of HIV (results received at the beginning of my first photo-shoot)

  Mar 17 - Brother and Sister-in-law discussed plan to divorce

  Aug 16 - Made a health conscious decision to step down from management. I became          critical of my resignation, feeling that I failed yet again.

**September 26 – I quit my job and moved to Seattle with intentions to overdose on drugs.

***October 18 - Predetermined date of my VERY LAST BIRTHDAY. However my plan was found out by a close friend, who convinced me to go back home.

Dec 3 - Brother and his family moved to Wyoming.

**Dec 25 – Woke up early, however stayed in bed wishing the day would end. I just wanted to let the HIV run its course so I stopped taking my meds. Around noon my mother convinced me to go see "Into the Woods" with her. The song "You are not alone" at the end rang deep in my soul. I realized that even though I feel alone, there is always someone on my side. Giving me a glimmer of hope that it will get better. Day by day I am regaining my strength to keep moving forward.

I chose to get a tattoo of the biohazard symbol to represent my struggle with HIV, which has been made to look like weathered stone to symbolize that it will always a part of my life. It will be stay a part of me in years to come as time fades everything. I also chose to have ivy growing and spiraling throughout the symbol because of what it symbolizes. It represents survival and determination to grow in the harshest of conditions. It seems to be “virtually” indestructible and will often return after it has suffered damage or has been severely cut back. This is an example of the human spirit and the strength we all have to carry on regardless of how harrowing our setbacks may have been.

As I said before I am and will always be a work in progress.

I will survive no matter what hardships may come my way.

It's Been a Great Week for the MENtana Project!

We are continuing to look for models.

What a great kick off! Thank you all for your support and interest in the project! We're still taking models and if you are interested in the project you can still sign up (here).

We are looking for models from all different parts of Montana. This is an opportunity to explore our body, body image, and what it means to identify as "masculine".

There are a few voices I'd really like to share and to do that I'm hoping you will participate.

I'm looking for HIV positive guys* who don't mind publicly disclosing their status to be part of a group photo. I'm also looking for HIV negative guys* who wouldn't mind standing with their positive brothers and disclosing their status.  I want you to take a stand with me. We are not just going to be a group photo of POZ Guys. We are going to be a group of guys who are honest and who share their status.

Trans masculine identifying, Queer,  Unicorn, Two Spirited and gender non specific folk are also encourage to sign up. Your voice is key and I cannot fully do this project justice without your participation as a model. Your voice is important and there are so many folks out there that need to hear your stories.

Group photos can probably be arranged if you and a partner(s) would like to participate.

So if you want to share your story I want to hear it.

Donations can now be made via Paypal and we’ve added a few incentives to donors! See the list below:

• $5     --Grassroots Support  (10% discount on Calendar)
• $10    --Facilitators (15% discount on Calendar and free quarter size white iron on decal)
• $25    --Community Leaders (30% discount on Calendar and free half-size white iron on decal)
• $50+  --VIP Supporters (FREE MENtana calendar, recognition of donation in calendar, and  free full-size white iron on decal)

MENTANA Calendar Project (MCP)

ABOUT THE PROJECT

Welcome to the MENTANA Calendar Project (MCP) a journey of Montana's finest collection of men*.

This project follows the guidance of the 

Montana Gay Men's Task Force
and has enlisted the artistic vision of
Terry Cyr Photography

This project seeks to take men* from across Montana and explore the rich and diverse uniqueness that is present in our communities and give them a chance to share their stories in a safe and comfortable space. By looking closer at ourselves and how we are subjected to the influences of the media, peers, family, institutions, gender/society, and others, we aim to show men* in a healthier light and more importantly tell their stories about their bodies and their identities. 

All proceeds from the project will be used to fund HIV testing, community building for gay* men, fund retreats for men* all across Montana to join us to build comradery, provide peer educated as a tool to create behavior change for healthier lifestyles,develop a sense of fraternity among men* in Montana, and learn ways to better cope with stigma and discrimination and how to challenge those institutions that seek to deny us our rights and access to better health. This project believes in the Montana Gay Men's Task Force mission statement:

Working to provide sensitive, appropriate and comprehensive health messages and interventions aimed at improving the overall health of gay, bisexual, transgender, Two Spirit, and queer men in Montana. Our vision is to help gay, bisexual, transgender, Two Spirit, and queer men men create lives for themselves worth protecting with bold and fearless conviction.