Meet Chris Haines

My coming out was at the age of 27, so I was a late bloomer. I am 33 now, and I’m still only at the cusp of my understanding of what it means to be a gay man in Montana. When I had heard of this project at my first ever Pride Rally at a speed dating event, I was very reluctant to jump right into it. I had to weigh all the pros and cons-- should or should I not. All the self-doubt I was feeling made a huge factor in my choice to say "Hell NO!", but a few months later and a lot of self-talk I convinced myself to say yes.

Growing up I was the fat chubby kid—low self-esteem and horrible self-worth. I didn't see what everyone else around me saw-- which was a bright and sensitive child with an incredible future ahead of me. Sadly, though, I was physically abused when I was 10 years old by two neighborhood boys near my house. I became angry and resentful. My trust in others was shattered and my spark for life diminished. I saw myself as damaged and unwanted. I held the anger and hate inside myself my whole life. When I realized I was different, with no concept or the word gay, at the age of 12 it fueled my anger. I had a deep self-loathing and rejected most of my friends and others around me-- never telling a soul of what had happened to me. As I said I was 27 when I finally came to grips with who I was, and after some counseling I admitted out loud and proud that I was a gay man and this is what had happened to me. Internally, I forgave the boys who are now grown men-- for what they did to me-- not for them, but it was more for me and my own healing processes.  By taking baby steps over the years, I now feel like a brand new man, ready to live life anew.

I got in touch with Terry Cyr and set up an appointment to meet with him. He made my initial hesitation and nervousness dissipate. I don't know what I was expecting to find when I met him, but to my delight the environment was very laid back with no expectations. He told me everything that would happen and what was expected of me to my great relief! When the day came and I stood in front of the camera for the first time, I was so nervous and scared. I was like OMG! Am I really doing this. But it became more natural and with his guidance I managed to shed my fears and my clothes in the interest of art and self-expression. I felt absolutely liberated. The process was very symbolic for me. I no longer saw myself as the shy, mistrusting overweight child to which I had seen in the mirror my whole life, but instead I saw a confident, attractive man with ambitions and wonderful friends and family support. Looking at my final pictures the way Terry had seen me through his lens opened my eyes to a new beginning. I see my life clearly and I celebrate a new awakening. Thank you Terry and all those that thought of doing this project, as well as to those that have participated in making this a reality. I am so glad to be a part of this experience. I say to all who read this: Cast aside your fears, doubts, reservations and inhibitions of your past. Open yourself to what the world has in store for you, because it is beautiful and so are we.